There is a light that never shines

I can hear her in my head.

Don’t do it. You can’t do it, your time has passed – you’ll only look like a fool and disappoint an even bigger team than your last job.

She’s not negative, the voice. She’s warm, loving, protective, wistful. It’s a sad, mourning voice, with an undertone of comfort and longing.

She knows what I’ve gone through and she’s holding her foot in the door no matter what I do. I hear her when I’m pumping gas

Careful! Remember those times it overflowed!

I can hear her when I’m driving past another car on the freeway

Careful! They can’t see you – they’re going to merge into your lane RIGHT NOW

I could hear her today when I was offered what’s technically a promotion: this time a softer voice. Sadder than ever.

Of course this isn’t an option. There’s no way you can do what you used to between the driving, the pressure, the day to day irritants from the daily management of a large team..

She’s now cooing at me with tears, shame, and too much vulnerability for one person to tolerate for a job that’s just meant to pay my rent. My hair is brushed out of my eyes and I’m ssssshh’d to silence.

And I have to lug this bitch around with me, ‘rent free’ in my head after a traumatic car accident. I sustained a bruised everything, a permanently fucked up neck, a traumatic brain injury, and the wounded person I used to be as a chip on my shoulder.

As someone that’s trying to buy a house for my lil family and move out of a shitty rental this is not the damn time for her to pop up. I need strength to draw on, I need to dig deep and bare down to haul us out of this mess. It sounds perhaps maudlin and over dramatic but I have to get out of this house.

Offered a promotion today: or more honestly, part promotion, part back against the wall. You will do this, or there’s a tiny severance package for you on the other side.

It’s a crumbling feeling. I never thought I’d have to explain to an HR manager why I can’t accept a higher position but here I am. Thinking of the argument that doesn’t paint me as pathetic or worse: lazy.

I could hear the question marks forming in a long line in my HR’s head – I think they thought I’d jump in gleefully.

I did not. I sustained unbroken eye contact for about four seconds before their flustered words started flowing. Bonus system! Absolute control of your team! You would be the highest authority in your department! On paper it sounds good, but what I really hear is the grief of me, shaking her head slowly, pitifully –

You’ll never sleep again because your heart rate will stay at cardio mode. You won’t be able to connect with your family. Aphasia. Doesn’t everything hurt now? It will only get worse from here, kiddo.

They say money doesn’t buy happiness but I’d go toe to toe with the ding ding who would dare argue that a large chunk of money wouldn’t solve a lot of damn problems for me right now.

To to completely clear, I used to be a stone-cold dick killer. When I was cooking on a line I could retain a dozen+ items and cook each one flawlessly, all while doing little flares and tong spins like Tommy Lee playing drums. I made it look easy. I slayed, queen.

When I managed a high volume, high end catering company I was routinely crumpled into a little ball from the pressure and yet still I smiled, I joked, I had fun. Couldn’t remember the rentals from the gala in 2019? I got you, they were the Monroe glasses for the toasting cordial. A couple wants a blue drink with no curaçao for their wedding toast? I had the pea flowers in my knife kit. Did you forget a wine key? I’m slapping a chef knife on the edge and straight sabering the top off like a ninja to applause and adoration.

Slayed.

I’d sure love to get back that girl.

There’s an excellent chance those days are behind me since now and again I’ll walk into a grocery store and have absolutely zero idea what I’m wanting to buy. Perhaps my driving anxiety goes to the way dark side and I can’t tolerate a second more lest I start silently weeping and shivering despite not being cold.

I have till Monday for the decision on my “promotion.” At the very least I think we can all agree that I’ll make everyone sweat enough to make the money worth it so even when I will inevitably want to rip my skin off from anxiety, at least I’ll be in a more comfortable house.